school: adapt or die.

 I am in my second week of my second last term of high school ever and the prospect of next year looms over me. And though I am told many times by well-meaning adults that I shouldn't worry about it, I feel nauseous whenever I think about it. The sarcasm and self-deprecating humour of the internet is no exaggeration of what teenagers are like. As we discuss upcoming tests and how they impact our final score (and, as the world seems to stress, your options for the coming years), friends swap half-jokes about our inability to cope and how much we want to die.

Ultimately, it is not even the fear of rejection, or a fear of making the wrong decision; it is a belief that if I don't get in to the course I want, it will be my fault. I should have studied harder. I should be studying harder right now. I should have been stronger and done more and talked to my teachers more and slept less. It is the understanding that no matter how much work I do, it will not amount to nothing if I do not get in. And all this anxiety and self-hate will be for naught.

I understand that this is toxic. Anyone can see that. But between getting my homework done and distracting myself from my problems, I do not have the time or energy to fix it. 

Usually I would try to take something away from this. I find a problem, I find the cause at the root of it, usually something massively cultural or radical or unrealistic. But I don't know what to put this down as. School has not prepared me for making my own decisions, merely to be subservient? We need to take the mental health of students (who are notably minors) seriously? I'm not sure. But I am exhausted and need to study for a maths test and map out which university open days I want to go to this month.