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Wed, Jul. 26th, 2017 01:28 pmFor the first time in months, if not a year or two, that I have felt remotely comfortable in my gender. I used to doubt myself and my identity at every turn and I had honestly forgotten what it felt like to experience anything different. And pinpointing my experience as internalised homophobia helped a lot.
In two liberal houses, coming out for me (around two? three? years ago) was nothing spectacular and it had not impact on my relationships with my parents... but that in itself was an issue. My parents were supportive but ultimately dismissive as they promised me they loved me and wanted me to be happy in the same breath that they'd misgender me. The worst thing was they didn't understand how it hurt me. Yes they were small things but they piled up. They understood transphobia as brash violence and something reserved for genuinely evil people, but it is ultimately so much more nuanced and, as I found, even found in me as I began to believe.
This is not to say that I've been misgendering other trans people or felt anything less that confident in their identity but I would never allow myself a scrap of that same empathy.
It wasn't until I became part of an active groupchat with two other german-speaking, vegan and nonbinary friends from tumblr when I opened up about this stuff for the first time in years. There is nothing quite like finding a few people who know you so well before you've even met. That all your interests fit together so well that there are no gaps (or perhaps this is a common experience and I am so dazzled by it because I'm so niche). When we were talking one afternoon about internalised homophobia (especially in relation to m0gai discourse) I wondered allowed if internalised transphobia could be a Thing. Because I feel that it describes much of my experiences over the past couple of years.
A week or so after that conversation, I rewatched season two of my favourite zombie tv show, In The Flesh, and realised that if I loved Kieren Walker (the soft, gay, protagonist) so much, there was nothing stopping me from making him a role model in the way that I'd done similarly with female characters (such as Noora Sætre from Skam or Blue Sargent from The Raven Cycle). Though seemingly small, changing the way I thought about Kieren was a powerful move because it no longer alienated me from him, in fact it liberated me from my unsaid assumption that I could only allign myself with female/feminine characters. And ultimately, this is why representation matters. Because it allows us to be liberated from the rules we perceive ourselves from a safe distance, and this is why we need nonbinary representation desperately.
~
This is long and rambly but thinking about these things really helps me calm the fuck down about gender and stops it feel so daunting, and I hope this helps other nonbinary or trans people.
In two liberal houses, coming out for me (around two? three? years ago) was nothing spectacular and it had not impact on my relationships with my parents... but that in itself was an issue. My parents were supportive but ultimately dismissive as they promised me they loved me and wanted me to be happy in the same breath that they'd misgender me. The worst thing was they didn't understand how it hurt me. Yes they were small things but they piled up. They understood transphobia as brash violence and something reserved for genuinely evil people, but it is ultimately so much more nuanced and, as I found, even found in me as I began to believe.
This is not to say that I've been misgendering other trans people or felt anything less that confident in their identity but I would never allow myself a scrap of that same empathy.
It wasn't until I became part of an active groupchat with two other german-speaking, vegan and nonbinary friends from tumblr when I opened up about this stuff for the first time in years. There is nothing quite like finding a few people who know you so well before you've even met. That all your interests fit together so well that there are no gaps (or perhaps this is a common experience and I am so dazzled by it because I'm so niche). When we were talking one afternoon about internalised homophobia (especially in relation to m0gai discourse) I wondered allowed if internalised transphobia could be a Thing. Because I feel that it describes much of my experiences over the past couple of years.
A week or so after that conversation, I rewatched season two of my favourite zombie tv show, In The Flesh, and realised that if I loved Kieren Walker (the soft, gay, protagonist) so much, there was nothing stopping me from making him a role model in the way that I'd done similarly with female characters (such as Noora Sætre from Skam or Blue Sargent from The Raven Cycle). Though seemingly small, changing the way I thought about Kieren was a powerful move because it no longer alienated me from him, in fact it liberated me from my unsaid assumption that I could only allign myself with female/feminine characters. And ultimately, this is why representation matters. Because it allows us to be liberated from the rules we perceive ourselves from a safe distance, and this is why we need nonbinary representation desperately.
~
This is long and rambly but thinking about these things really helps me calm the fuck down about gender and stops it feel so daunting, and I hope this helps other nonbinary or trans people.
