wandering the greenwood

For about a year (longer than I'd like to admit tbh), I've been studying Esperanto (everyone's favourite international auxiliary language) when I can grab the time and the focus between lectures. I've always enjoyed learning languages, being one of the only students to give a shit about Mandarin classes in grade five and going on to adore German in high school.

I started using kurso saluton ages ago and today I finished the 100th lesson!! I'm so proud of this achievement, especially because I've always been bad at studying outside of class hours. I'm hoping to finish the second half in a shorter period (I still have two and a half months before uni returns so I expect that will help a lot), but I'm just glad that I've pursued this and not given up after the first burst of passion has dissolved. I'll have to plan a proper celebration for when I finish.

For reference, I've found two things really helping me be motivated to continue this despite the condescension I get when I tell people I'm learning Esperanto: videos from Evildea, the most popular Esperanto youtuber who has a backlog of videos discussing the culture and his experience learning the language; and I've found a thriving Esperanto community on Mastodon, an open-source, decentralised social network similar in twitter. I've made an account on the Esperanto server although at this point I'm just translating posts as I go and remaining quiet.

I'm back, bitch.

It has been some months (three!) since I last posted alas, here I am. Stronger and more optimistic than ever.

I spent much of November recuperating. Honestly now that I'm finished with school, I'm quite confident that it was fucking stressful. Constantly. From about August onwards, all anyone could talk about or think about were November exams. My theatre oral exam where I did one of Iago's monologues from Othello ("what's he, then, that says I'm the villain!?") was genuinely the most stressful thing I've ever done. I spent the whole day crying, even after I did it. It's cheesy, I know, but my friends were all that kept me sane. I don't know if they made it worth it but they made it endurable.

And despite all that, I actually got into my dream course. I am going to be a screenwriter. I'm going to work my arse off and unlike high school, there's a purpose. It's on my terms and I'm on my way to do something I'd never dared to hope was a possibility. Simon Pegg, you better watch out.

And I've started taking writing seriously. I've wanted to be a writer since I could read (or, since I read Harry Potter), but with school and having a childhood, I never put the time aside for it. Of course, that's changed now. I have a notebook with a cluster of ideas but there is one that I think stands on its own legs and could really go somewhere so I'm developing that. In the mean time there is fanfiction. I'm about halfway through a Man From U.N.C.L.E. fic for my favourite OT3 and that is a joy.

 Dear god, it has been some time since I have updated here. I mean, on one hand I have no wifi and no decent laptop but still. Almost three weeks.

What's on my mind today that brings me back? Fucking school. Unsurprising. I had a test today that i literally didn't study for (I mean it was maths but still... that's low even for me). And I got an email from one of the unis about my application so now I have to write a short story... when, as I said, I have no wifi (this is on my data) and no decent computer. Sometimes I feel like the universe is just trying to make everything hard for me (no decent technology even though I need, actually need it for school, I barely have enough uniform to get by, I live too far away from school, I live in two houses) but then this is normal. It has never been different. 

Whatever. Point is, I'm supposed to be writing a short story for my preferred university but all I'm doing is drafting a fucking Man From U.N.C.L.E. fanfic and watching Star Trek tng reruns.

At the start of the year, I met a gorgeous Peruvian girl named after a figure of Greek mythology. She was kind and talented and had knowledge of film that challenged my own. Now Ariadna (nicknamed Anna) is one of my favourite friends and I starred in a short film she's now editing.

Yesterday we both went to the open day for the University of Melbourne (the most prestigious university in my city) and though we both went to the booth for information on the bachelor for screenwriting, and were on the campus at the same time, we didn't run into each other.

Today I learnt that last year she came very close to getting in, but came to Australia to do the final year of high school with us before applying again.

This means two things: my future is is really starting to take shape, and I am now thoroughly invested in the future of another.

I know logically I should be fucking nervous about getting in but right now? I am calm. Borderline confident. My only concern is what to do if I don't get into the screenwriting course: do I study at a different uni in the mean time or take some time off and try again next year? Nothing is certain.

If nothing else, the reason I'm so chill is my copy of the Dao De Jing arrived yesterday! I've been reading and reflecting on it regularly and it makes such a difference. I cannot stress enough how good the book is.

Last week I got my score back in my maths test and I got 35%. To understand the situation, you'll need some background. so:
- I do the second maths stream called maths methods, we call it math for short because
- it is hard as balls. The sort of thing where your friends ask "why the fuck did you choose that?" because they are worried for your health. Most people drop it after the first year, and I rather wish I had
- in year twelve in Victoria (my state), 30% is a pass. Their expectations are very low, I expect by now they're just hoping we finish it.

I am very pleased with my 35%. It is better than I have done on other tests and better than I expected (especially as if I failed, I'd have to do more work for a subject I can barely tolerate). Most people do it to go on to do sciences in uni. I am more of an arts/humanities person so I don't know why I'm doing it anymore but here I am. They ended up boosting everyone's marks because they realised in hindsight how difficult the test was. Actually, my 35% was the average mark and my teacher said it is normal for the average to be below 50% for these types of tests which is ridiculous. If you design a test for a class you teach to be too difficult for 50% of your students to understand even half of it, you're doing a bad job at either teaching or designing tests.

I am not planning on taking my maths methods anywhere and like I said I was pleased but my father? oh boy.
He's annoyed. And not just because I didn't do as well as he would have liked but because I'm fine with not doing as well as he would have liked. He's convincing me I'm not doing enough work, and it makes me feel guilty, like I'll never do enough or be enough and honestly I've felt like that for too long, I'm sick of it.

I know that's probably not his intention. I expect he's just hoping it motivates me to suddenly care more for that specific subject and be proud of putting all my effort into it. Meanwhile, I devote more of my time and energy to the subjects I adore like theatre and studio art and German or the ones I at least hope to do well in like English literature. I'm fine with doing mediocre in methods and doing far better in my other subjects, and I've told my dad this, yet he wants me to be unhappy with this result. I'm not put out by his comments but i keep stewing over them, on his assumptions and motivations. This won't even help me in life, it is just him wanting my values to be the same as his, and they are not. For while we often have the same interests, we just as often come to different conclusions (as the radical nb child of a liberal cishet man).

My education is not a competition. Nor does it have bearing on how I see myself. I do not care that I may be doing worse, better than or equal to my peers. My education is something I love and am forever grateful for. And I resent anyone who tries to change that for me.