competitive schooling.

Last week I got my score back in my maths test and I got 35%. To understand the situation, you'll need some background. so:
- I do the second maths stream called maths methods, we call it math for short because
- it is hard as balls. The sort of thing where your friends ask "why the fuck did you choose that?" because they are worried for your health. Most people drop it after the first year, and I rather wish I had
- in year twelve in Victoria (my state), 30% is a pass. Their expectations are very low, I expect by now they're just hoping we finish it.

I am very pleased with my 35%. It is better than I have done on other tests and better than I expected (especially as if I failed, I'd have to do more work for a subject I can barely tolerate). Most people do it to go on to do sciences in uni. I am more of an arts/humanities person so I don't know why I'm doing it anymore but here I am. They ended up boosting everyone's marks because they realised in hindsight how difficult the test was. Actually, my 35% was the average mark and my teacher said it is normal for the average to be below 50% for these types of tests which is ridiculous. If you design a test for a class you teach to be too difficult for 50% of your students to understand even half of it, you're doing a bad job at either teaching or designing tests.

I am not planning on taking my maths methods anywhere and like I said I was pleased but my father? oh boy.
He's annoyed. And not just because I didn't do as well as he would have liked but because I'm fine with not doing as well as he would have liked. He's convincing me I'm not doing enough work, and it makes me feel guilty, like I'll never do enough or be enough and honestly I've felt like that for too long, I'm sick of it.

I know that's probably not his intention. I expect he's just hoping it motivates me to suddenly care more for that specific subject and be proud of putting all my effort into it. Meanwhile, I devote more of my time and energy to the subjects I adore like theatre and studio art and German or the ones I at least hope to do well in like English literature. I'm fine with doing mediocre in methods and doing far better in my other subjects, and I've told my dad this, yet he wants me to be unhappy with this result. I'm not put out by his comments but i keep stewing over them, on his assumptions and motivations. This won't even help me in life, it is just him wanting my values to be the same as his, and they are not. For while we often have the same interests, we just as often come to different conclusions (as the radical nb child of a liberal cishet man).

My education is not a competition. Nor does it have bearing on how I see myself. I do not care that I may be doing worse, better than or equal to my peers. My education is something I love and am forever grateful for. And I resent anyone who tries to change that for me.

Dao De Jing #49 [Stephen Mitchell translation].

The Master has no mind of her own.

She works with the mind of the people.

 

She is good to people who are good.

She is also good to people who aren't good.

This is true goodness.

 

She trusts people who are trustworthy.

She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.

This is true trust.

 

The Master's mind is like space.

People don't understand her.

They look to her and wait.

She treats them like her own children.

Every time I read the Dao De Jing, I feel it resonate with me every time I read it. Even when I was Christian, I didn't particularly like the bible. But this book? Perhaps one of the best I've read. Definitely the most helpful and wise. This is the sort of book you base a two-thousand-year-old religion on.

I've been reading it less of late. When I do read it, I only read a few chapters at a time for though it is short, there is often much to stew on. I've been waiting for the copy I ordered to arrive but I am impatient, and reading it will do no harm. I also want to read more first thing in the morning but my tendency to stay up (it is currently 23:18 and I have school tomorrow) coupled with my lack of phone and therefore no alarm, there is no way I can do that now. When I do get the opportunity, though, I imagine having such wise words bouncing around in my head before school will make my day better. I'd also like to get into the habit of tai chi. I have tried it once, and found it much more effective than my attempts at yoga (perhaps because there is emphasis on fluid movement rather than stillness and that gives me something to latch on to).

The other day, my father said "when you research all these ideas such as Marxism and Daoism, do you think of what Jesus would do?" which seems like such a strange question, but one I can only afford to answer evasively. When I turn 18 in November, my father will respect my decision to stop going to church, if I so decide but that is a conversation I've been avoiding for some years. I'm still quite a spiritual person, but I've found my path has led me away from Christianity. And defending this to my dad is not something I look forward to. He is kind and not conservative but he is faithfully Christian and will be very disappointed in me. By the way things are going, he should get used to that feeling.

Anyway, Daoism has been the most positive thing in my life this year and has been great for my mental health. I only wish there were more accessible communities and resources about it.